Best September ever.

•September 29, 2009 • 2 Comments

Life has been coming at me so fast lately, I haven’t had any time to blog. Or to hardly even think. All I seem to want to do lately is nap, and I don’t even have time for that.

September has been such an incredibly exciting month. First, I find out I’m pregnant. STILL so excited.

Then last week on hubby’s birthday, we found out we had our offer accepted on a house! We are in escrow again. (Funny how it’s not so exciting the third time around. I mean, the timing is perfect, and the house is great, but there is no emotional attachment. Which is good. But I really do think that it will work out this time.) The house is completely remodeled – we don’t have to do ANYTHING to it other than landscape the backyard, which doesn’t need to be a priority. Our inspection went really well – the best house we’ve tried to buy yet. Only minor things that need fixing, and they are all things that can be done whenever we get around to them. Now the next big step is the appraisal. I’m hoping and praying that it appraises for the value of our loan, but I’m not too worried about this one. I’m pretty sure the house is actually worth what we’re paying. No sketchy stuff going on this time!

The third major thing to happen this month is that I’m getting a new job. OMG. I am so excited. Hubby and I were discussing what the hell we were going to do after baby comes, since I absolutely flat-out refused *kicking and screaming on the floor* (okay, maybe not, but I may as well have) to come back to this hell hole. No way was I going to work 45+ hours a week for a puny salary just to throw it all away on daycare – especially when all I really wanted to do was spend time with my baby. So anyway. We agreed that I would not have to come back here, but he was totally stressing about how to deal without my extra income. I casually mentioned that maybe I could do photo retouch from home. Well, the next day, out of the blue, a photo retouch job fell in our laps. I will be starting in January, which means *ding ding ding* I get to quit my job BEFORE the baby comes!!!! I still haven’t told my boss about the baby yet, and definitely not that I’m leaving. I don’t want to tell them ANYTHING until we close escrow and everything is finalized with the house. Then I’ll let them know all the good news. I am really nervous to tell them, but I am OH so excited. I wish it was January already.

Aside from all that, life has been crazy. Work has been insanely busy, and at home, when I’m not napping, I’ve been researching insurance like crazy. It looks like we may get lucky after all and I can go back to my old healthcare provider once I leave my insurance plan at my current job. My first appointment and ultrasound are on Monday and I can hardly wait. The future is so exciting, I can’t wait for it to get here!

Anyway, I know this post is totally scattered and rambling, but I want to get it out while I have a minute before getting bombarded with work again. Sorry for my absence lately – I’ll try to pop in more often when I can!

Still sitting at the starting line, just waiting to take off already.

•September 15, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I fee like I’m stuck in a rut and my wheels are just spinning. There are SO many things and changes that I am looking forward to, and I feel like the hours on the clock are not moving. Like the pages on the calendar just aren’t turning fast enough. I know that 9 months from now I’ll probably look back and wonder where the time went. But for right now, it just can’t move fast enough!

I’m still in the process of starting my business. It is VERY slow-going. We are always so busy, I feel like I never have enough time to work on it. I long for the day I can go on maternity leave and hopefully NOT come back. I’m so ready to be further along in my pregnancy – ready to start showing, ready to tell my bosses, ready to start buying things for baby, ready to figure out where we are going to live – will we ever buy a house? or will we rent a cheaper place? – and then get the baby’s room ready.

I know all these things will come in time. I just feel like I’m right on the edge of something big and new and exciting and I just can’t take off yet!

I should have started this weight-loss plan a LONG time ago.

•September 9, 2009 • 2 Comments

I have lost 2 pounds in 4 days – simply by NOT drinking alcohol!

SCORE!

I am totally going to lose this beer belly before the baby belly starts growing!

(I’m sure the fact that my appetite has decreased by about half has something to do with it too…but it’s all good!)

So yeah…things are starting to make sense now.

•September 8, 2009 • 3 Comments

This has been a crazy last few days. As you may remember, my hormones have been out of whack, making me irritable, emotional, and just plain driving my husband crazy. We were both getting sick of the fighting. He was losing his mind…sleeping on the couch and all. I was tired of crying and not knowing why.

Saturday morning, I started thinking about it, and I decided that before I applied my progesterone cream and took my Evening Primrose Oil, (which you are not supposed to take while pregnant), I decided that I would pee on a stick, just to ease my mind. I was 99.999999% sure it would be negative…I just wanted to make sure. I mean, being moody is normal when you go off the pill, right? And sore boobies are pretty common too. And, I did just have that early period. But, I tested anyway, just on a whim.

And I about fell over when that second line showed up almost immediately.

I still didn’t believe it, since I had held the test in the pee for 10 seconds, when you were only supposed to do it for 3, so I didn’t want to say anything to hubby yet. (He did wonder why I was acting strange, but he just chalked it up to the hormones again.) I couldn’t wait to test again, but suddenly hubby was being clingy, and wanted to go computer supply shopping together, and kept wanting to hang out with me. I told him I didn’t want to go, and finally got a few minutes to myself. I ran out to the store and bought a pack of tests, along with a little baby Chargers outfit. As soon as I got home, I peed on my last el cheapo test (only 3 seconds in the pee this time!) and sure enough, that second line still showed up in less than a minute. No more than 10 minutes later, I peed on one of the good quality tests, and holy freaking shit, that line showed up in just a few seconds.

I was pretty much useless the rest of the day. I tried to read, but my mind kept wandering. I was just in complete shock. To go from being utterly depressed that my luteal phase was too short and I wasn’t able to get pregnant to finding out that in fact my luteal phase was NOT too short, and I was already pregnant? TOTALLY unexpected. Turns out that there was a VERY good reason for the crazy mood swings!

When hubby got home from his computer-nerd shopping trip, I gave him a gift bag and told him that I got him something. He was a little surprised…not knowing why I would have gotten something for him. He pulled out the little Charger outfit, and I told him that we’d be needing it next football season. He said “Who’s baby is this for? – for us?!?!?!?” I told him to look in the bottom of the bag, where the three pregnancy tests were. We were both in shock. He asked if I was sure, and didn’t I just have a period? He paced the room for a while and we talked about where the baby would sleep and so on. He got excited pretty quickly, once the initial surprise wore off. That night, he ended up calling his mom in the middle of the night, so I think he was excited. 🙂

*************************************************************************************

My dad-in-law came to town on Sunday, so naturally, we had to tell him too. (He would have figured it out soon just by the fact that I wasn’t drinking margaritas anyway!) I ended up calling my parents too, since the in-laws already knew. I am so hesitant to tell anyone else though!!! Hubby thinks that we shouldn’t bother waiting to tell our friends, and that if anything goes wrong (God forbid!) that we will just have to let everyone know.

But I am just SO paranoid that something will happen. I think I spend WAY too much time on baby boards, and reading about other women having miscarriages is scaring me. I keep trying to reassure myself that most of my friends that got pregnant had perfectly healthy pregnancies and babies. I come from a very fertile family…I got pregnant easily, and hubby and I are both healthy. There is no reason to expect a problem.

But I still want to wait until after my first prenatal appointment to tell everyone. I don’t know how to get past this fear – I know stress isn’t good for the baby, but it’s hard! Is it normal to feel this way? I am super excited, and I can’t wait to start making plans for baby, but I will feel SO much more comfortable after my first visit and my ultrasound. Unfortunately, it’s not until October 5th, so I have a few weeks to wait. I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold out on telling my close friends until then or not…we shall see. In the meantime, I am going to keep peeing on sticks to make sure that second line still shows up!

Hubby and I and the grandparents-to-be are all super excited. 🙂 Hubby just can’t wait for my boobs to start growing…and growing… 🙂 (And neither can I!) I can’t wait to start feeling symptoms. For now, I’m just learning to deal with no alcohol or caffeine. And bedtime sure seems to come a lot earlier now!

Really? Enough with the hormones already.

•September 3, 2009 • 3 Comments

Today is just one of those days. Nothing is wrong, but I’m feeling stabby and sad. I really had NO idea that going off the pill was going to make my hormones start raging like a pimply teenager. This morning, I wanted nothing but to curl up in a corner and cry my eyes out. And I really have no idea why, it just came out of nowhere.

Just when I thought I was 100% over the whole house-hunting thing, I woke up this morning, terribly depressed we don’t have a house. I have been refreshing our home search page all day in hopes that something new will show up. There are actually two today (the first ones in over a week) that we want to go look at. And still no word on all the short sales we’ve offered on, though one of them changed to “Pending” now, so I doubt we got that one. Anyway, I’ve been feeling SO sad and depressed about it today.

And on top of that, there are freaking babies EVERYWHERE. Two of my cousins that have babies under a year old just announced that they are expecting AGAIN. And another friend just posted pictures of her beautiful newborn. Every day there is a new pregnancy or a new birth. I feel like they are ripping my heart out every time I see things happening for everyone but me! I know I’m being overly dramatic, and there are other people who are worse off than me, but I’m just having a really hard time dealing with it today. This morning, I finally told my mom that we are trying to conceive. I figured why not….hubby already talked to his mom and his cousin and who knows who else about it, so why not tell my mom. It just feels weird! Something about my mom knowing that we have sex still totally weirds me out. But I wanted to know if she and my sister had an easy time conceiving. (Dumb question…everyone in my family has a gazillion kids, so it seems like fertility runs in my family.) So anyway, I am going to try not to stress about it from now on. I’ll take my supplements and make sure I have a general idea of what’s going on with my body, and otherwise, just go with the flow.

I don’t know where I’m going with all of this. All I know is that I’m having a craptastical day for no real reason. Work is fine, but I am SO pissy today. I don’t want to stay at my job once I have a baby, and I’m stressed out because I don’t know where to begin looking for another option. I want to work from home at least part-time, but I don’t know how to go about finding a job like that.

I am REALLY REALLY looking forward to this long weekend. Hopefully the raging hormones will have subsided by then. And I’m pretty sure my husband would be thrilled if I stopped acting like a crazy, unstable teenager. It’s not a pretty sight.

My own body hates me.

•August 29, 2009 • 11 Comments

After all the years of trying to learn to love my body the way it is….I just found out that my body doesn’t love me back.

Please don’t be afraid I am going to turn this blog into a “Trying to Conceive” blog or anything (I don’t want to alienate my male readers!) but I found out something about my body that is really upsetting, and I feel like I need to express it in one format or another. This is the place I come to to express myself, and if I can’t share it here, where else can I go? This isn’t something I can easily share with just any of my acquaintances, but it’s a big enough deal to me that I need to let it out. So here goes.

Yesterday, I found out that my Luteal Phase is too short. For those of you that don’t constantly hang around on fertility/infertility boards, it means that once I ovulate, even if I did happen to conceive, Aunt Flo (Yes, TMI…I know – There go my male readers) shows up too early for that tiny little baby to even get settled in my womb. In other words, my body throws the baby out with the bathwater. My own body is sabotaging me in my attempts to start a family. A healthy luteal phase length is 10-12 days. Mine was 5 days. FIVE. WTF?!?!?

You may remember that this has been one of my greatest fears – that since we have had such horrific luck in buying a house, our bad luck would extend into our luck in making a baby. And now my fear is realized. Thankfully, this isn’t a major issue…supposedly it’s something that can usually be corrected by taking Vitamin B6 every day (oh believe me, I will be consuming those little vitamins like candy). Hopefully in the next month or two, my body will start treating me like we are friends again, and my luteal phase will get back to a baby-friendly length.

Hubby is trying to be sweet…telling me that it will probably take a long time for my body to get on a normal schedule after going off the pill. (Which I find funny…because after two months of trying to conceive, he was shocked that I wasn’t already pregnant. I suspect that he talked to his mother….) He thinks that I shouldn’t be concerned, and that it will work it out on its own if I wait long enough. I love that he thinks he knows more about what is going on with my body than I do. If he only knew…

Today, I attended a baby shower for a good friend of mine. Her baby is due in one month. She and her husband started looking for a house to buy after she got pregnant…about 7 months ago. We started looking for a house over a year ago. They are already living in their new house. We are still looking. As much as I love her, and as happy as I am that things are working out for them, today was hard. Very hard. Not only did they find a house much sooner than we did, after finding out this bad news about my ability to conceive, she is one of the lucky ones that got pregnant after 2 months of trying. And here we are, still looking for a house after losing two houses…still trying to make a baby, and finding out that my body isn’t doing what it needs to do to carry one. I know that things will work out for us when the timing is right for us personally, but really, this is HARD. Everywhere I look, women are getting pregnant and having babies, and people are buying houses. Facebook is totally  my enemy right now. I can’t log on without seeing someone else’s great news. I congratulate them and smile…but inside, each time it stings just a little bit more.

Writing this blog, a plaque on my parent’s wall suddenly comes to mind…particularly the first line:

“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.
—  Saint Francis of Assisi

Now if only I could actually take it and apply it to my life.

Over it.

•August 25, 2009 • 3 Comments

This is a weird feeling. I think I am really over stressing about buying a house.

Let me quickly catch you up. Over the weekend, I went with hubs to go look at the two houses I had put in offers on while he was out of town. The one that I totally loved? He loves the neighborhood, but he feels like it’s a LOT more work than I had realized. Not to mention the fact that IT HAS NO HEATER (Why I was not informed of this when I went to look at it the first time? I do not know.) We are very unlikely to get approval from the VA for a loan on a house with no heater. So, that one is most likely off the list. The other house, the one I thought he wouldn’t be so stoked on? He really liked it. And thinks that we didn’t offer enough for it. Oops.

So anyway, here we are a week and a half later, and we still have not heard anything on either house!!! In my mind, that’s not a good sign. I don’t think we’ll get either one. All I know is that there were multiple offers on both of them. And by multiple, I mean dozens and dozens.

But at this point? I really, honestly, truly, 100% DO NOT CARE. Sure, I look at the listings every day to see if the status has changed on them, but I don’t have any of those feelings of anxiety, waiting by the phone for a call from our realtor like I have in the past. I just feel nonchalant about it. I really don’t care anymore.

Yes, the $8000 first-time homebuyer credit ends in a couple of months. And we’ll most likely miss out on it. But we’ll do fine without it. Before we started looking to buy a house, we were doing great with our finances – paying off debt, and living comfortably. After losing TWO houses right before we were supposed to close on them, our finances have really been stretched. The best thing we can do right now is stop worrying about a house…sell the appliances that we bought…and start paying off debt again. Now that we finally got a new (good!) roommate, we will be back on our feet again before we know it. Once our debt is paid off, or at least at a very manageable level, we will start saving for a house. Maybe in the near future, we’ll actually be able to get an FHA or Conventional loan, and forget about this impossible VA loan. And if we end up having a baby before we buy a house? We’ll just move to another rental with an extra bedroom. We’ll be fine!

I cannot even begin to express how happy I am that I don’t have those anxious, stressed out feelings that come from waiting to hear about a house. I am just over it. It’s awesome.