My own body hates me.

After all the years of trying to learn to love my body the way it is….I just found out that my body doesn’t love me back.

Please don’t be afraid I am going to turn this blog into a “Trying to Conceive” blog or anything (I don’t want to alienate my male readers!) but I found out something about my body that is really upsetting, and I feel like I need to express it in one format or another. This is the place I come to to express myself, and if I can’t share it here, where else can I go? This isn’t something I can easily share with just any of my acquaintances, but it’s a big enough deal to me that I need to let it out. So here goes.

Yesterday, I found out that my Luteal Phase is too short. For those of you that don’t constantly hang around on fertility/infertility boards, it means that once I ovulate, even if I did happen to conceive, Aunt Flo (Yes, TMI…I know – There go my male readers) shows up too early for that tiny little baby to even get settled in my womb. In other words, my body throws the baby out with the bathwater. My own body is sabotaging me in my attempts to start a family. A healthy luteal phase length is 10-12 days. Mine was 5 days. FIVE. WTF?!?!?

You may remember that this has been one of my greatest fears – that since we have had such horrific luck in buying a house, our bad luck would extend into our luck in making a baby. And now my fear is realized. Thankfully, this isn’t a major issue…supposedly it’s something that can usually be corrected by taking Vitamin B6 every day (oh believe me, I will be consuming those little vitamins like candy). Hopefully in the next month or two, my body will start treating me like we are friends again, and my luteal phase will get back to a baby-friendly length.

Hubby is trying to be sweet…telling me that it will probably take a long time for my body to get on a normal schedule after going off the pill. (Which I find funny…because after two months of trying to conceive, he was shocked that I wasn’t already pregnant. I suspect that he talked to his mother….) He thinks that I shouldn’t be concerned, and that it will work it out on its own if I wait long enough. I love that he thinks he knows more about what is going on with my body than I do. If he only knew…

Today, I attended a baby shower for a good friend of mine. Her baby is due in one month. She and her husband started looking for a house to buy after she got pregnant…about 7 months ago. We started looking for a house over a year ago. They are already living in their new house. We are still looking. As much as I love her, and as happy as I am that things are working out for them, today was hard. Very hard. Not only did they find a house much sooner than we did, after finding out this bad news about my ability to conceive, she is one of the lucky ones that got pregnant after 2 months of trying. And here we are, still looking for a house after losing two houses…still trying to make a baby, and finding out that my body isn’t doing what it needs to do to carry one. I know that things will work out for us when the timing is right for us personally, but really, this is HARD. Everywhere I look, women are getting pregnant and having babies, and people are buying houses. Facebook is totally  my enemy right now. I can’t log on without seeing someone else’s great news. I congratulate them and smile…but inside, each time it stings just a little bit more.

Writing this blog, a plaque on my parent’s wall suddenly comes to mind…particularly the first line:

“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.
—  Saint Francis of Assisi

Now if only I could actually take it and apply it to my life.

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~ by beyondalice on August 29, 2009.

11 Responses to “My own body hates me.”

  1. I guess the silver lining is that now you know *and* that there’s something you can do? I know that’s little consolation when you want something so badly.

  2. Yes…thankfully it is something that can be managed. I think I’ve gotten past being upset about it now. Things will be okay in time!

  3. Much of life is all about perspective. You are down on yourself because a friend of yours bought a house and got pregnant faster than you. There is someone else in this world down on themselves because you can afford to buy a house (when they cannot) and your pregnancy issues are easily correctable (when theirs are not). It’s natural to feel down, but don’t stay down too long. You have a lot to be thankful for.

  4. Thank you – you put that perfectly. I get so carried away sometimes, that I forget to look at the picture. Thank you so much for helping me put it in perspective!

  5. I’ll chip in and say we can’t buy a house no matter how much we want to. And we had to evacuate our apartment and don’t know where we’re going to live! (does that help a little bit?) 🙂

    I agree that yes this sucks and I TOTALLY know your frustration, it’s awesome you found out so soon AND it’s a seemingly easy fix. One vitamin! No injections or painful testing.

    I really hope that both fall into place quickly and you can feel settled.

    • Ugh, I’m so sorry you guys are still out of a place to live!!! What an awful situation. I really hope things get straightened out for you soon!

      As must frustration as I’ve been dealing with, I know I’m being kind of a cry-baby. I blame it on these damn hormones of mine!

      Anyway, I’m with you in hoping that things fall into place soon, for both of us!!!

  6. Ugh, I’m so sorry you guys are still out of a place to live!!! What an awful situation. I really hope things get straightened out for you soon!

    As must frustration as I’ve been dealing with, I know I’m being kind of a cry-baby. I blame it on these damn hormones of mine!

    Anyway, I’m with you in hoping that things fall into place soon, for both of us!!!

  7. How frustrating for you. I’m really sorry. I know that feeling that when you want a baby, you want it NOW!

  8. HUGS! I hate Facebook for those pregnancy announcements! I feel like by the time I get to announce mine…facebook won’t be around anymore =) Keep your head up and keep taking those pills!

  9. I know, seriously – and just this morning, pictures of another newborn were posted. Argh! I wish there was a way to block all pregnancy comments on Facebook. LOL I really hope that you and I will both have our turns soon!!!!

    • Yes, J looks stunning. I too wish I looekd that good. I didn’t want to take any pics when I was prego, but looking at these photos makes me regret not taking any. Memories like these are priceless, especially since you’re only pregnant for 9 months! She is so lucky to have these images!

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