Caught in the downward spiral again.

Once again, I am feeling down. Like, really down. I feel like it’s just one depressing thing after another.

Where to begin…

1. I am not pregnant. I know we’ve only been trying 3 months, but 3 months of waiting for a negative result is not fun. It’s depressing.

2. Our bank account is mysteriously over drafted today. And not by just a little bit. It’s bad. That nice, fat check I just deposited this morning while smiling about all the fun I was going to have with that extra cash? Yeah. Well, that cash no longer exists. It’s all going to balance out the account. I have NO idea what we bought yesterday to make it this bad.

3. I just found out we didn’t get accepted for one of the houses we bid on last week. Yeah, there are more out there…but it’s always a slap in the face to get rejected.

I feel like I’m at a point in life where I just can’t get ahead. I can’t get a raise at work. Hubby’s boss can’t afford to give him a raise any time soon. We are seriously scraping to get by right now. We did get a roommate yesterday, so her share of the rent will help out, but it’s going to take at least until next month before we start reaping some of that benefit. (See #2.) Money is a continual concern. We are constantly broke, and struggling to live paycheck to paycheck. I really thought that by the time I was 30, I would be beyond living this way.

I hate where I am in life right now. (Yeah, yeah, I know I should go back and look at that list of good things I have going for me. But right now, all I can think about is the bad.) I hate my job. While the day to day isn’t always all that all bad, I hate that everyone here is so corporate-bullshit-minded. I hate that I am expected to work overtime every day, and if I leave at 5:00 because I have nothing left to do, I get in trouble for it. I live in fear every day that I will get in trouble for something I didn’t know I was doing wrong. Living in constant fear is not good for managing stress. I hate that I work my ass off for these people, and they won’t give me a raise.

I hate that it is taking so long to get my own business started. I know that some of it is just me being slow, but even if I work like crazy on it, it’s going to take so much  time to get the actual business part of it started, and start actually bringing in an income from it.

I hate that we STILL don’t have a house. I love my rental house, but I hate that it is so expensive. I wish my husband would agree to move into a cheaper rental for now but he is fighting and fighting it. He thinks that the move itself would be so expensive that it wouldn’t be worth it.

I hate that I am not as fertile as I had hoped. I come from a huge family of procreators. You’d think I’d be pretty good at this.

I hate that there is no foreseeable way out of this funk.

That’s a lot of hate.

I need something good to happen soon.

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~ by beyondalice on August 11, 2009.

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