Ch-ch-ch-changes

Yesterday I got some news that seriously changes things for us. I mean, I’m expecting change in 5 short months, but I wasn’t expecting change to come this soon. My husband just lost his job. As of Friday at 5:00, he will officially be a freelancer.

This brings a wide range of emotions for me. On one hand, the selfish side of me is jealous – jealous that he gets to start living the dream I’ve been waiting to live for months. He gets to sleep in while I get up at the butt crack of dawn to go to work. He gets to work from home and have a flexible schedule.

On the other hand, I am nervous. Nervous about money, nervous about what this means for me and my plans to be a WAHM. We just bought a house, afterall, and we have a baby on the way very soon. What if he doesn’t get enough clients for us to make our mortgage? What if his income isn’t enough to support us both and I have to stay at my job after baby comes?

Aside from these emotions, I am also very excited for him. While the timing is nerve-wracking, at the same time it isn’t so bad. He gets to start out the new year by starting his own business. We do still have 5 months before Baby comes for him to get everything in order. He has been unhappy in his job for so long now, and has been angry and upset every day, which effects me as well. Last week when he was off work for the holidays is the happiest I have seen him in longer than I can remember. He is finally free to pursue clients and jobs that he is interested in. He will finally be able to get the respect that he deserves.

I’m still struggling with this. I know we’ll get through it, but it makes me so nervous. We didn’t expect for him to be unemployed when the baby comes. I hope to God that things fall into place so that I am still able to work from home and be home with my little girl.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

Merry Christmas, one and all!

I took this from Back to Me who took it from Swistle who yanked it from Girl in a Boy House:

Eggnog or hot chocolate? Usually hot chocolate, but I like to have a glass or two of eggnog now and then. It’s MUCH better homemade and/or with brandy, but I can’t have it either way this year, thanks to the little bun in the oven. But, I’ve downed my share of both hot chocolate and store-bought eggnog this year!

Does Santa wrap the presents or leave them open under the tree? Santa wraps our presents, of course!

Colored lights on a tree or white? White. Colored lights just look kind of tacky to me for some reason or another.

Do you hang mistletoe? When we have it, yes. None this year though.

When do you put your decorations up? Usually the weekend after Thanksgiving, depending on our travel schedules. If not, we do it as soon as possible after that!

What is your favorite holiday dish? Do I really have to pick just one? Maybe cranberries or sweet potatoes, since those are things I don’t really eat any other time of the year. I love it all though! Cookies have been a big hit this year.

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? When I was growing up we opened ALL our gifts on Christmas Eve. Now that hubby and I have lives of our own though, we always open them on Christmas morning. We usually talk each other into opening a gift on Christmas Eve, but this year we have so few gifts, we’ll have to wait and see.

How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Ever since we started dating, we have had the same tree and ornaments – white lights, and red and gold ornaments. After this year though, I think we are going to start a new theme. And in the near future, we’ll be adding all those lovely homemade ornaments!

Snow: love it or hate it? It’s pretty, but I hate it. Thus, the reason I moved to southern California. My family can send me pictures…that’s enough for me!

Can you ice skate? I can, but I can’t promise I look good doing it.

What is your favorite holiday dessert? I’m a huge fan of Pecan Pie.

What is your favorite holiday tradition? I loved the advent calendar we had when I was growing up. Mom would put an activity (craft, field trip, meal, etc) in a pocket for each day of December up until Christmas. There were SO many traditions in that calendar that I love!

Candy canes: yum or yuck? Well, the don’t taste BAD, but I can’t actually see myself choosing to eat one.

Favorite Christmas show? Elf and The Grinch

Ooooh this was fun!  If you post this to your blog with your own answers come back and link in the comments.  I’d love to read what you wrote!

My First Award!

I’ve been nominated for an award! Thanks to Liberal Granola Girl for choosing me. I feel so honored!

The rules for this award:

Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
Link the nominees within your post.
Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.
First of all, let me apologize for stopping at 7 blogs – there are WAY more of you out there with awesome blogs, it’s just that I’m SOOOO far behind in my Google Reader, and I haven’t commented on anyone’s blogs in many months and I’ve hardly had the chance to keep up with you all. I feel really bad…but life has been happening, and I can’t really slow it down at the moment. So, these 7 blogs represent those that I regularly try to find time to read (even though I don’t always comment). If I were willing to delay this post by another year or two, I’d probably find the time to nominate dozens more of you.

So, with no further ado…here are the blogs I nominate:

1. Baby Dickey

2. (The Road To) Mommyland

3. Back to Me

4. Booshy

5. Kapgar

6. Room 704

7. Mrs. Flinger

8. 9. 10. and beyond – All the rest of you!

Do these shoes make me look fat?

Funny conversation before leaving the house this morning:

Me:
(In regards to the funky looking boots I put on for work)
“This looks bad, doesn’t it.”

Hubby:
“You look pregnant – no one is going to be looking at your shoes!

They’ll be looking at your belly.”

Hm, thanks, honey…

Life’s been good.

Sorry I’ve been MIA. Life has actually been really good lately – good, and busy. When things are good, I have less to complain about…and sadly, sometimes less to blog about. On top of that though, I have been VERY busy. Hubby and I have been working continually on the new house, we went on vacation, had Thanksgiving, and now we are focusing on baby stuff, as well as continuing to work on the house. Work has been very busy lately too, which is good for this time of year.

So, what’s new? We found out that we are having a girl! Hubby is still getting used to the idea of a daughter, but he is coming around. I am thrilled! I can’t wait to start shopping! I need to focus on Christmas first though – Christmas on a new home-owner’s budget. It will be fun though!

And, back to the topic of work, I caught wind of the news that they are most likely going to approve my maternity leave request – and I asked for the max! I was assuming that there would be negotiations, so I figured I might as well ask for it all. I didn’t really expect to get it! Whether or not I actually come back after the baby…I haven’t decided for sure yet…the important thing is that I get 4 weeks off before my due date. I cannot wait! Only 4 1/2 more months until maternity leave begins!

So yes, life has been good. I’ll try not to neglect you so much in the future. I’m sure life will slow down somewhat after the holidays!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, and here’s wishes for a very merry Christmas!!!

I’m not a slacker, I promise!

I know I’ve been slacking on my blogging lately…but it’s because I’ve been busy. Like, SERIOUSLY busy!

Last Friday morning, we FINALLY signed our escrow papers. (And I got the day off from work….yahoo!!!! I’m still excited about that.) They told us that by 1:00 we should own the home, but it was all dependent on how fast they got the paperwork done. So, we headed home and started loading up the truck. By the time we had our first load ready to go, we got the call that we were officially homeowners!!!! The move took us 2 full days, including cleaning up the old place. We had family visiting from out of state, so it was kind of a bummer for them to have to help us move, but at the same time, they were a lifesaver, since we didn’t have anyone else to help us move on a week day. Some of our strong guy friends did come over in the evening to help with the furniture, thankfully!

We really didn’t have a Halloween this year, since we were too busy moving, but there is always next year. The house is still full of boxes, but it’s coming together little by little. I’m liking it more and more!

Work has been crazy busy this week. I finally got another review, and finally got my raise. It’s not much, but hey, at least they gave me one. Hubby is furious about how puny my raise is compared to what I deserve, but oh well. I’ll only be here 6 more months, right? (Now he’s all stressed about money and tells me I may have to go back to work, but you better believe me, I will FIGHT him on it until I win. I refuse to come back here. I may have to work, but it will NOT be here!!!!) I just turned in my maternity leave proposal today. I asked for max allowed time – I figured why not? At least now I have bargaining room if they say I need to take less time. And again, I’m really hoping to not come back, so I suppose it doesn’t really matter. But can you believe it? 6 months???! Holy shit I have so much to do in that time! I have to buy maternity clothes, baby clothes, baby furniture, decorate baby’s room…not to mention finish unpacking all the boxes in my house and getting my house put together. And then I need to get my home business started so I’ll be settled once baby comes. 6 months sure doesn’t seem like much time when I have so much to do!

Answers

I had questions. And yay, now I have answers!

1. The House
We got it!!!!!!!! We removed our contingencies and did the final walk-through, and we are going to be first-time homebuyers!!! Yay! Unfortunately we won’t be able to move in this weekend like we had planned. Our lender is S L O W and slacked on the paperwork, and our escrow papers ended up not being ready in time for us to sign. So….we will be packing this weekend and hopefully moving sometime in the middle of next week. I really hope they get their asses in gear so we can sign closing papers on Monday and move in on Tuesday. So I’m a little stressed about where we are going to live on Monday, since we are supposed to be out of our rental house by then. The landlord is not returning our calls. So what the hell…I guess we’ll just squat for an extra day.

2. Insurance
So yeah, my old healthcare will cover me, but not the baby. And it seems damn near impossible to get immediate coverage for the baby…most insurance companies make you wait a few weeks. We make too much money for the state child healthcare program, so it looks like I’m SOL with that situation.

Which brings me to my last question…

3. The Job
So, seeing as how the photo job didn’t work out, and I kind of need my current health insurance plan to cover my newborn baby, I’m going to be staying at my job until May. 6 more months…could be worse. In the meantime, while I’m kissing ass around here, hubby and I will be working on our home businesses so that once baby comes, I can start working from home. And, I am looking at going back to school for a business degree while I’m at it.

So, things are working out. Not quite the way I had planned, but in the end, everything will end up the way I had hoped. We just had to take a few detours. But that’s what life is all about, isn’t it?

Still waiting.

So, in case anyone is wondering, I don’t really have any answers to my 3 big questions yet.

1. The house.
Today we are SUPPOSED to hear the results of the appraisal. Which would be nice, because we are supposed to start moving in less than a week, if everything goes okay. Yeah. I’d kinda like to know if I need to start packing or not.

2. Insurance.
I found out that my old healthcare will cover all my maternity care, and I can continue to see my current OB, which is awesome. I still haven’t heard from them though to find out what all the details are on payment, newborn coverage, etc. I have time, but it would just ease my mind to have things taken care of.

3. The job.
Things have not changed on this front yet. I did a photo retouch test, and I did a great job, which is good. I still don’t think that really puts me anywhere as far as getting a job, but at least it doesn’t rule me out of the running. I do still plan to make the wedding albums, but since all my money is tied up in escrow and closing costs right now, I can’t make any progress on my business until I have some spare $$ again.

So there you have it. I’m still just kinda hanging out, waiting for something to happen. In the meantime, I could really use a nap.

I’m still around!

So, I realize I’ve been away for a while. Work has been crazy busy. And, I’ve been slightly obsessed with baby blogging, baby books, napping, snacking – all that fun stuff.

Things are still plugging along though. We still don’t know for sure if we’ll get the house, although we are supposed to close in two weeks. We still haven’t gotten the appraisal, and we still can’t get an answer on when it’s going to happen. I am totally nerve-wracked about it, seeing as the appraisal is the step we lost the last house on. I am hoping and praying it will appraise for enough! Supposedly we are supposed to find out today when the appraisal is scheduled. But at this point, I don’t rely on any “supposed to hear”s anymore!

Things are going great with the baby. So far I seem to be one of the lucky ones who really doesn’t have too many symptoms – no morning sickness, just mild nausea on occasion. I haven’t even been as tired as I was afraid I might be. My appetite is definitely back, but I have yet to start gaining weight. I’m sure it’ll all just show up one of these days though! I had my first ultrasound on Monday, and it was amazing. I knew that there was a baby in there, but it was like nothing else to see that there actually WAS a baby. That little heartbeat was the coolest thing ever. I can’t wait for my next ultrasound, when we can actually see a baby instead of a little bean! Hubby has taken to calling the baby “Clud.” What an AWFUL name. It will NOT be on the birth certificate, I guarantee it!

Today I will find out what my old healthcare can do for me, so I may be switching doctors this month. We’ll have to see how that goes.

As far as the job, I’m nervous again. The job that had been promised me was retracted, so now I’m not sure what will happen. He told me that he still might possibly give me some work, but it’s not guaranteed. Instead, he wants me to have my own bookbinding business so he can buy albums from me. Which is what I ultimately want to do, but again, he’s not guaranteeing that he will buy them. So, I’m back where I was two years ago, when I ALMOST had a guaranteed client for my wedding albums. So, I’m kind of freaking out. But at least now that baby is coming, Hubby is a little more supportive about helping me start my business, since we’ve already agreed there is no way I am coming back to this job. Any income from a home business is better than no income at all!

So, wish me luck. There are still 3 big question marks on the horizon right now, and I can’t wait for the answers!

Best September ever.

Life has been coming at me so fast lately, I haven’t had any time to blog. Or to hardly even think. All I seem to want to do lately is nap, and I don’t even have time for that.

September has been such an incredibly exciting month. First, I find out I’m pregnant. STILL so excited.

Then last week on hubby’s birthday, we found out we had our offer accepted on a house! We are in escrow again. (Funny how it’s not so exciting the third time around. I mean, the timing is perfect, and the house is great, but there is no emotional attachment. Which is good. But I really do think that it will work out this time.) The house is completely remodeled – we don’t have to do ANYTHING to it other than landscape the backyard, which doesn’t need to be a priority. Our inspection went really well – the best house we’ve tried to buy yet. Only minor things that need fixing, and they are all things that can be done whenever we get around to them. Now the next big step is the appraisal. I’m hoping and praying that it appraises for the value of our loan, but I’m not too worried about this one. I’m pretty sure the house is actually worth what we’re paying. No sketchy stuff going on this time!

The third major thing to happen this month is that I’m getting a new job. OMG. I am so excited. Hubby and I were discussing what the hell we were going to do after baby comes, since I absolutely flat-out refused *kicking and screaming on the floor* (okay, maybe not, but I may as well have) to come back to this hell hole. No way was I going to work 45+ hours a week for a puny salary just to throw it all away on daycare – especially when all I really wanted to do was spend time with my baby. So anyway. We agreed that I would not have to come back here, but he was totally stressing about how to deal without my extra income. I casually mentioned that maybe I could do photo retouch from home. Well, the next day, out of the blue, a photo retouch job fell in our laps. I will be starting in January, which means *ding ding ding* I get to quit my job BEFORE the baby comes!!!! I still haven’t told my boss about the baby yet, and definitely not that I’m leaving. I don’t want to tell them ANYTHING until we close escrow and everything is finalized with the house. Then I’ll let them know all the good news. I am really nervous to tell them, but I am OH so excited. I wish it was January already.

Aside from all that, life has been crazy. Work has been insanely busy, and at home, when I’m not napping, I’ve been researching insurance like crazy. It looks like we may get lucky after all and I can go back to my old healthcare provider once I leave my insurance plan at my current job. My first appointment and ultrasound are on Monday and I can hardly wait. The future is so exciting, I can’t wait for it to get here!

Anyway, I know this post is totally scattered and rambling, but I want to get it out while I have a minute before getting bombarded with work again. Sorry for my absence lately – I’ll try to pop in more often when I can!

Mongomonoboob

These boobs of mine are just insanely freakishly sore. You’d think that with the way they feel, I’d be totally bustin’ out by now. Sadly, there is just an increase in fullness right now, and not actually any real GROWTH.

I’m getting a little worried though – this left fun bag of mine hurts WAY more than the right. And this morning, I looked in the mirror, and the left was was swollen and BIGGER. What if the left one just keeps growing and the right one stays tiny?!?!? How weird would it be to walk around with one giant mongo-mono-gigantuan boob, and one little teeny one? Just think of what it could do to my posture. And my bras.

Yikes.

Come on, little right boob…time to catch up!

It’s a giveaway!!!

No…I’m not hosting a giveaway, but I found an awesome one, and this is my shameless attempt at getting an extra entry in the giveaway. Check it out:

Novena Maternity Skin Care Giveaway

My friend Samantha posted this over on her blog at Live Well Spend Well, and I just had to enter. Here I am, just in the middle of my first trimester, and already my skin is breaking out. The bags and dark circles under my eyes continue to get worse – my skin needs help!!!

And just LOOK at the packaging of this stuff. Is that alone not enough to make you want it? I’m a sucker for pretty packaging. Mama needs.

Oh yeah, and if you post an entry for the giveaway, and tell them that I referred you? We BOTH get an extra entry. *wink wink*

Still sitting at the starting line, just waiting to take off already.

I fee like I’m stuck in a rut and my wheels are just spinning. There are SO many things and changes that I am looking forward to, and I feel like the hours on the clock are not moving. Like the pages on the calendar just aren’t turning fast enough. I know that 9 months from now I’ll probably look back and wonder where the time went. But for right now, it just can’t move fast enough!

I’m still in the process of starting my business. It is VERY slow-going. We are always so busy, I feel like I never have enough time to work on it. I long for the day I can go on maternity leave and hopefully NOT come back. I’m so ready to be further along in my pregnancy – ready to start showing, ready to tell my bosses, ready to start buying things for baby, ready to figure out where we are going to live – will we ever buy a house? or will we rent a cheaper place? – and then get the baby’s room ready.

I know all these things will come in time. I just feel like I’m right on the edge of something big and new and exciting and I just can’t take off yet!

When do I spread the news?

I am REALLY struggling with this. We’ve already told our parents, siblings, and our BFFs. But when to tell the rest of our friends and the general public?

I feel like we should wait until my 8-week visit, because I’m paranoid like that. But at the same time, I don’t know if I can wait a whole month to share the news! Hubby thinks we should just go ahead and tell everyone now. He says that if something bad happens (God forbid!) we will just have to tell everyone about that too. He is already having a hard time keeping it a secret. He just doesn’t understand my fear of telling people early, just in case of a miscarriage. (I hate to even THINK that word!) But then again, I want to think POSITIVE – the more you worry, the more you have to worry about, right? If I think positively, then there shouldn’t be anything to worry about. Last week, my cousin announced her pregnancy on Facebook. I assumed she was already a couple months in. But no – she is only due 5 days before me! She was totally comfortable telling everyone right away. Why shouldn’t I be? Hubby thinks I’m silly to be paranoid. I don’t think I am.

Another big issue is that I’m really struggling with when to tell my work. My boss is kind of evil, and I wouldn’t put it past her to decide not to give me a raise for some stupid reason (she’s denied me a raise for a BS reason once already). But I feel like they should know since I’ll be taking time off to go to the doctor a lot, I won’t be feeling well, and all that fun stuff. She’s a total nazi about time off, so she will start getting her panties in a bunch if I have doctor appointments all the time without her knowing why. Hubby thinks I should talk to my nice boss first and ask his advice, but I don’t really want the decision to be put on him either! I just wanted this to be easy and fun. I want them to know before I broadcast the news to everyone else. I figure I’ll tell them one Friday when they crack open the wine – what better way to tell them than to decline a glass…and then happily explain why? It’s all just a matter of which Friday. Before my first appointment next month? Or before November (when I’m supposedly getting another salary review), or after supposed possibility of a raise? Is the possibility of a couple hundred dollars a month (at most) a big enough reason for me to stress out for the next 3 months? My nice boss and coworker are on Facebook, so once our friends find out, my nice boss and coworker will find out. And there’s no way I can wait til November to tell everyone! Do I let them in on the secret, and just have them help me keep it a secret from the bitch boss?

I’m tired of stressing about this, but I don’t know what to do! This can’t be good for my health. My job is such a constant source of stress for me, I cannot wait to leave. – Let me rephrase that – My BOSS is such a constant source of stress for me. Hopefully I can deal with this for 8 more months without losing my mind! I need to sit down with hubby tonight and weigh our options. I want to make a decision on this tomorrow.

I should have started this weight-loss plan a LONG time ago.

I have lost 2 pounds in 4 days – simply by NOT drinking alcohol!

SCORE!

I am totally going to lose this beer belly before the baby belly starts growing!

(I’m sure the fact that my appetite has decreased by about half has something to do with it too…but it’s all good!)

So yeah…things are starting to make sense now.

This has been a crazy last few days. As you may remember, my hormones have been out of whack, making me irritable, emotional, and just plain driving my husband crazy. We were both getting sick of the fighting. He was losing his mind…sleeping on the couch and all. I was tired of crying and not knowing why.

Saturday morning, I started thinking about it, and I decided that before I applied my progesterone cream and took my Evening Primrose Oil, (which you are not supposed to take while pregnant), I decided that I would pee on a stick, just to ease my mind. I was 99.999999% sure it would be negative…I just wanted to make sure. I mean, being moody is normal when you go off the pill, right? And sore boobies are pretty common too. And, I did just have that early period. But, I tested anyway, just on a whim.

And I about fell over when that second line showed up almost immediately.

I still didn’t believe it, since I had held the test in the pee for 10 seconds, when you were only supposed to do it for 3, so I didn’t want to say anything to hubby yet. (He did wonder why I was acting strange, but he just chalked it up to the hormones again.) I couldn’t wait to test again, but suddenly hubby was being clingy, and wanted to go computer supply shopping together, and kept wanting to hang out with me. I told him I didn’t want to go, and finally got a few minutes to myself. I ran out to the store and bought a pack of tests, along with a little baby Chargers outfit. As soon as I got home, I peed on my last el cheapo test (only 3 seconds in the pee this time!) and sure enough, that second line still showed up in less than a minute. No more than 10 minutes later, I peed on one of the good quality tests, and holy freaking shit, that line showed up in just a few seconds.

I was pretty much useless the rest of the day. I tried to read, but my mind kept wandering. I was just in complete shock. To go from being utterly depressed that my luteal phase was too short and I wasn’t able to get pregnant to finding out that in fact my luteal phase was NOT too short, and I was already pregnant? TOTALLY unexpected. Turns out that there was a VERY good reason for the crazy mood swings!

When hubby got home from his computer-nerd shopping trip, I gave him a gift bag and told him that I got him something. He was a little surprised…not knowing why I would have gotten something for him. He pulled out the little Charger outfit, and I told him that we’d be needing it next football season. He said “Who’s baby is this for? – for us?!?!?!?” I told him to look in the bottom of the bag, where the three pregnancy tests were. We were both in shock. He asked if I was sure, and didn’t I just have a period? He paced the room for a while and we talked about where the baby would sleep and so on. He got excited pretty quickly, once the initial surprise wore off. That night, he ended up calling his mom in the middle of the night, so I think he was excited.

*************************************************************************************

My dad-in-law came to town on Sunday, so naturally, we had to tell him too. (He would have figured it out soon just by the fact that I wasn’t drinking margaritas anyway!) I ended up calling my parents too, since the in-laws already knew. I am so hesitant to tell anyone else though!!! Hubby thinks that we shouldn’t bother waiting to tell our friends, and that if anything goes wrong (God forbid!) that we will just have to let everyone know.

But I am just SO paranoid that something will happen. I think I spend WAY too much time on baby boards, and reading about other women having miscarriages is scaring me. I keep trying to reassure myself that most of my friends that got pregnant had perfectly healthy pregnancies and babies. I come from a very fertile family…I got pregnant easily, and hubby and I are both healthy. There is no reason to expect a problem.

But I still want to wait until after my first prenatal appointment to tell everyone. I don’t know how to get past this fear – I know stress isn’t good for the baby, but it’s hard! Is it normal to feel this way? I am super excited, and I can’t wait to start making plans for baby, but I will feel SO much more comfortable after my first visit and my ultrasound. Unfortunately, it’s not until October 5th, so I have a few weeks to wait. I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold out on telling my close friends until then or not…we shall see. In the meantime, I am going to keep peeing on sticks to make sure that second line still shows up!

Hubby and I and the grandparents-to-be are all super excited. Hubby just can’t wait for my boobs to start growing…and growing… (And neither can I!) I can’t wait to start feeling symptoms. For now, I’m just learning to deal with no alcohol or caffeine. And bedtime sure seems to come a lot earlier now!

Really? Enough with the hormones already.

Today is just one of those days. Nothing is wrong, but I’m feeling stabby and sad. I really had NO idea that going off the pill was going to make my hormones start raging like a pimply teenager. This morning, I wanted nothing but to curl up in a corner and cry my eyes out. And I really have no idea why, it just came out of nowhere.

Just when I thought I was 100% over the whole house-hunting thing, I woke up this morning, terribly depressed we don’t have a house. I have been refreshing our home search page all day in hopes that something new will show up. There are actually two today (the first ones in over a week) that we want to go look at. And still no word on all the short sales we’ve offered on, though one of them changed to “Pending” now, so I doubt we got that one. Anyway, I’ve been feeling SO sad and depressed about it today.

And on top of that, there are freaking babies EVERYWHERE. Two of my cousins that have babies under a year old just announced that they are expecting AGAIN. And another friend just posted pictures of her beautiful newborn. Every day there is a new pregnancy or a new birth. I feel like they are ripping my heart out every time I see things happening for everyone but me! I know I’m being overly dramatic, and there are other people who are worse off than me, but I’m just having a really hard time dealing with it today. This morning, I finally told my mom that we are trying to conceive. I figured why not….hubby already talked to his mom and his cousin and who knows who else about it, so why not tell my mom. It just feels weird! Something about my mom knowing that we have sex still totally weirds me out. But I wanted to know if she and my sister had an easy time conceiving. (Dumb question…everyone in my family has a gazillion kids, so it seems like fertility runs in my family.) So anyway, I am going to try not to stress about it from now on. I’ll take my supplements and make sure I have a general idea of what’s going on with my body, and otherwise, just go with the flow.

I don’t know where I’m going with all of this. All I know is that I’m having a craptastical day for no real reason. Work is fine, but I am SO pissy today. I don’t want to stay at my job once I have a baby, and I’m stressed out because I don’t know where to begin looking for another option. I want to work from home at least part-time, but I don’t know how to go about finding a job like that.

I am REALLY REALLY looking forward to this long weekend. Hopefully the raging hormones will have subsided by then. And I’m pretty sure my husband would be thrilled if I stopped acting like a crazy, unstable teenager. It’s not a pretty sight.

My own body hates me.

After all the years of trying to learn to love my body the way it is….I just found out that my body doesn’t love me back.

Please don’t be afraid I am going to turn this blog into a “Trying to Conceive” blog or anything (I don’t want to alienate my male readers!) but I found out something about my body that is really upsetting, and I feel like I need to express it in one format or another. This is the place I come to to express myself, and if I can’t share it here, where else can I go? This isn’t something I can easily share with just any of my acquaintances, but it’s a big enough deal to me that I need to let it out. So here goes.

Yesterday, I found out that my Luteal Phase is too short. For those of you that don’t constantly hang around on fertility/infertility boards, it means that once I ovulate, even if I did happen to conceive, Aunt Flo (Yes, TMI…I know – There go my male readers) shows up too early for that tiny little baby to even get settled in my womb. In other words, my body throws the baby out with the bathwater. My own body is sabotaging me in my attempts to start a family. A healthy luteal phase length is 10-12 days. Mine was 5 days. FIVE. WTF?!?!?

You may remember that this has been one of my greatest fears – that since we have had such horrific luck in buying a house, our bad luck would extend into our luck in making a baby. And now my fear is realized. Thankfully, this isn’t a major issue…supposedly it’s something that can usually be corrected by taking Vitamin B6 every day (oh believe me, I will be consuming those little vitamins like candy). Hopefully in the next month or two, my body will start treating me like we are friends again, and my luteal phase will get back to a baby-friendly length.

Hubby is trying to be sweet…telling me that it will probably take a long time for my body to get on a normal schedule after going off the pill. (Which I find funny…because after two months of trying to conceive, he was shocked that I wasn’t already pregnant. I suspect that he talked to his mother….) He thinks that I shouldn’t be concerned, and that it will work it out on its own if I wait long enough. I love that he thinks he knows more about what is going on with my body than I do. If he only knew…

Today, I attended a baby shower for a good friend of mine. Her baby is due in one month. She and her husband started looking for a house to buy after she got pregnant…about 7 months ago. We started looking for a house over a year ago. They are already living in their new house. We are still looking. As much as I love her, and as happy as I am that things are working out for them, today was hard. Very hard. Not only did they find a house much sooner than we did, after finding out this bad news about my ability to conceive, she is one of the lucky ones that got pregnant after 2 months of trying. And here we are, still looking for a house after losing two houses…still trying to make a baby, and finding out that my body isn’t doing what it needs to do to carry one. I know that things will work out for us when the timing is right for us personally, but really, this is HARD. Everywhere I look, women are getting pregnant and having babies, and people are buying houses. Facebook is totally  my enemy right now. I can’t log on without seeing someone else’s great news. I congratulate them and smile…but inside, each time it stings just a little bit more.

Writing this blog, a plaque on my parent’s wall suddenly comes to mind…particularly the first line:

“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

—  Saint Francis of Assisi

Now if only I could actually take it and apply it to my life.

Over it.

This is a weird feeling. I think I am really over stressing about buying a house.

Let me quickly catch you up. Over the weekend, I went with hubs to go look at the two houses I had put in offers on while he was out of town. The one that I totally loved? He loves the neighborhood, but he feels like it’s a LOT more work than I had realized. Not to mention the fact that IT HAS NO HEATER (Why I was not informed of this when I went to look at it the first time? I do not know.) We are very unlikely to get approval from the VA for a loan on a house with no heater. So, that one is most likely off the list. The other house, the one I thought he wouldn’t be so stoked on? He really liked it. And thinks that we didn’t offer enough for it. Oops.

So anyway, here we are a week and a half later, and we still have not heard anything on either house!!! In my mind, that’s not a good sign. I don’t think we’ll get either one. All I know is that there were multiple offers on both of them. And by multiple, I mean dozens and dozens.

But at this point? I really, honestly, truly, 100% DO NOT CARE. Sure, I look at the listings every day to see if the status has changed on them, but I don’t have any of those feelings of anxiety, waiting by the phone for a call from our realtor like I have in the past. I just feel nonchalant about it. I really don’t care anymore.

Yes, the $8000 first-time homebuyer credit ends in a couple of months. And we’ll most likely miss out on it. But we’ll do fine without it. Before we started looking to buy a house, we were doing great with our finances – paying off debt, and living comfortably. After losing TWO houses right before we were supposed to close on them, our finances have really been stretched. The best thing we can do right now is stop worrying about a house…sell the appliances that we bought…and start paying off debt again. Now that we finally got a new (good!) roommate, we will be back on our feet again before we know it. Once our debt is paid off, or at least at a very manageable level, we will start saving for a house. Maybe in the near future, we’ll actually be able to get an FHA or Conventional loan, and forget about this impossible VA loan. And if we end up having a baby before we buy a house? We’ll just move to another rental with an extra bedroom. We’ll be fine!

I cannot even begin to express how happy I am that I don’t have those anxious, stressed out feelings that come from waiting to hear about a house. I am just over it. It’s awesome.

Still waiting.

I’m still waiting, you guys.

And I am NOT good at waiting.

Arrrgh!

I had a dream that we got the house. I’m hoping with all my freaking heart that dreams really do come true.

On another note, my hubby is back home. Life is good.

More doggy-style, please.

For those of you that are following my journey in trying to make a baby, I figured I should update you on my OB appointment today. You  may recall that two weeks ago, I had my first OB appointment, and found out that I might possibly have an ovarian cyst. Today’s ultrasound confirmed that I do, in fact, have multiple cysts. There are several, but they are tiny, and the doctor says that they are nothing to worry about – they are the kind that come and go with each cycle, relieving themselves when I ovulate. (It’s SO gross when I put it into descriptive words, so I’ll spare you the detais.) Anyhow, he said the pain with sex is normal…I just have to find a position that doesn’t hurt. Hubby was SO excited when I told him we would be doing more doggy-style.

I don’t know if it was just a mental thing or what, but this afternoon, after my appointment, my  ovary freaking hurt like hell. Apparently, the pain that I’ve thought was caused by gas all these years was probably caused by an ovarian cyst. Or two or three. No wonder it’s always in the same spot. (Bring on the beans, baby. I’m sorry I’ve abandoned you unnecessarily.)

Fortunately, the cysts are the kind that aren’t a problem, and the doc says that LOTS of women have them – it should not interfere with conception. I told hubby about it tonight. (OMG I cannot WAIT for him to get home tomorrow….) He was sympathetic, but glad to hear that it wasn’t an issue (his mom had ovarian cysts, and they were so bad that she had to have them surgically removed so he was a little nervous). I told him about the pain I have before ovulation, and he was actually happy – he was thrilled that we will have a way to let us know when it is time to make a baby! (I didn’t bother telling him that I have been obsessing over my charts for months, for that very reason.) I’m just glad that he is excited to make a baby. When I first went off the pill 4 months ago, he was nervous – he wasn’t sure it was a wise idea, since we didn’t have a house yet. I assured him that “it usually takes several months.” Now, 4 months later, he is more and more excited, and actually very surprised that we haven’t conceived yet. I told him that the average is 6-8 months, and he was in shock. He’s so cute. I purposely shield him from all the stress I go through, waiting and hoping. I just want him to be thrilled when I tell him he’s going to be a daddy.

Where was I going with all of this? Oh yes. So I have cysts on my ovaries. And they hurt like a bitch. But as long as I do it doggy style for a few days a month, we will be just fine.

Making babies totally rocks.

I’m in Love.

I’m in love with a house.

I know I shouldn’t be. It’s like asking for heartache. They always say not to get emotionally attached, but it’s so hard not to.

I saw this house last week, and while I was there, I knew I liked it. I liked the green, windy, country roads I drove on to get there. I liked that you can’t see most of the neighbor’s houses from the road. I liked that the elementary school is in walking distance from the house, and that the school has adorable murals all over it. I liked that the house is big, and unique. It needs updates, but it has a lot of character.

All night long, I thought about that house. And all the next day. And the day after that. And I talked to my husband and told him all about it. And the more I thought about it, and the more I talked about it, the more I started to realize that I was having a love affair with that house. I couldn’t stop looking at the real estate listing. I started imagining all the things we could do to it, and how fun it would be to live in a nice, country neighborhood. (But still VERY close to the city, of course!)

We decided to make a very competetive offer on it. And even without seeing the house in person, hubby is very excited about it too. Today, the bank asked for our highest and best offer. So we re-evaluated our offer with the mortgage loan calculator, and realized we could go a bit higher. So we did.

And now I am waiting and hoping and crossing all my fingers and toes that we will get this house. I’m in love with it.

And I know I shouldn’t be.

Self-Sufficient

I can’t believe how crazy things have been since hubby went out of town. First of all, let me start off by giving you an idea of my state of mind this week.

I started heading downhill starting on Tuesday morning. I woke up thinking it was Friday, and well, you know how THAT can ruin the rest of the week. Not to mention I was kinda PMSy. All these things together = NOT GOOD. To make matters worse, when I told my boss I was going to drop my husband off at the airport, she acted all pissed off, and gave me the silent treatment. (I did nothing wrong: 1. I gave her plenty of advance notice; 2. I put it on the calendar; 3. I did everything in my power to finish a project for her – that had no deadline – before I left.) The airport trip ended up taking longer than planned, so I was stressed beyond belief, trying to hold back tears, and deathly afraid that my boss was going to write me up again. I made it through the afternoon, and even stayed 45 minutes late to make up for my extended absence earlier in the day. I said goodbye to everyone, and all my bosses but her smiled and waved goodbye. SHE, on the other hand, gave me the look of death. WTF?!!?! I had no choice but to leave to meet our real estate agent…and I struggled to hold back the tears during my whole drive. So there I was. (This story continues shortly…)

Anyway,

That night, I went to look at a couple of houses with our agent. I loved one of them, and was undecided on the other. Being the indecisive wuss that I am, I am SO impressed with the way I made a decision to bid on the house I loved! I’m pretty sure hubby will like it. For house #2, we had already made an offer on it, so we are just letting it ride…but I’m pretty sure we’ll back out if they accept us. Every wall was a different neon color – and the house smelled like a bunch of grandmas lived there. Not cool. It was creepy and weird at the same time.

So that night I got home, and was still super depressed about my hateful boss; depressed that our bank account was overdrawn that morning and we were broke; depressed that I didn’t get pregnant this month; depressed that I was depressed. I sat at my computer, reading blogs and checking email. I scrolled down to a photo of my friend’s adorable baby, and suddenly I burst out bawling. And bawling. For absolutely no reason. I could not stop. I went down to my room for fear that my roommate would come home and think she moved in with a crazy woman. I tried multiple times to call my hubby so he could talk me out of my funk, and he didn’t answer. Which set me off again, and again. (I hate my freaking tear ducts. They are non-stop.) It was finally time for me to get that cry out of my system…it had been building up for too long.

Yesterday morning, after emailing my mom and talking to hubby, I worked myself out of the funk. Who knows…maybe boss-lady was having a bad day, and was stressed about work, and wasn’t actually giving me dirty looks like I thought she was. I tend to take things WAY personal. (Plus, everyone I know says she’s probably jealous that I’m happily married and she’s a bitter divorcee. But whatever. I still think she hates me and treats me like a child.) So anyway, yesterday wasn’t nearly as bad…I think my emotional crisis has been solved. Damn hormones!

Last night, I ended up running out to look at another amazing house that I want SO badly. It’s old…it totally needs renovating, but it’s so freaking cool. It has everything we need. And it’s out in the country. And in walking distance from a really good elementary school. I want it. So I made the decision ON MY OWN to make an offer. (Of course, I talked to hubby and he told me that if I really like it, by all means, bid on it.) Last night, after spending hours on the phone with my agent and then with hubby, and then with the agent and then with hubby, I finally went out for  with my new roommie and our mutual girlfriends. I <3 girl time. New memories were made…we got to watch some delinquent get cuffed and frisked and carried off in the police car. Quite the adventure.

So, today has been crazy – dealing with counter offers, making new offers (and deciding HOW MUCH to offer), talking to lenders and getting pre-approval letters. All these things that hubby has always done, and I’ve really had no part in.

It’s actually really exciting.

I am SO proud of myself for handling all this on my own, and not freaking out because I have to make a big decision on my own! It helps to have my agent there to give me advice, but ultimately, it’s up to me.

I am becoming self-sufficient.

I can get by on my own.

I’m so proud of me!

(Now I wish he would hurry up and come home!)

Hole-hearted

I just dropped hubby off at the airport for a week long vacation with his family. He’s only been gone a couple of hours, and I’m already missing him.

I know I’ll have fun with my girl friends, and enjoy some much-needed time alone, but every time he leaves, I always get this empty, sad feeling, like part of me is missing.

Is that sappy or what?!?

Caught in the downward spiral again.

Once again, I am feeling down. Like, really down. I feel like it’s just one depressing thing after another.

Where to begin…

1. I am not pregnant. I know we’ve only been trying 3 months, but 3 months of waiting for a negative result is not fun. It’s depressing.

2. Our bank account is mysteriously over drafted today. And not by just a little bit. It’s bad. That nice, fat check I just deposited this morning while smiling about all the fun I was going to have with that extra cash? Yeah. Well, that cash no longer exists. It’s all going to balance out the account. I have NO idea what we bought yesterday to make it this bad.

3. I just found out we didn’t get accepted for one of the houses we bid on last week. Yeah, there are more out there…but it’s always a slap in the face to get rejected.

I feel like I’m at a point in life where I just can’t get ahead. I can’t get a raise at work. Hubby’s boss can’t afford to give him a raise any time soon. We are seriously scraping to get by right now. We did get a roommate yesterday, so her share of the rent will help out, but it’s going to take at least until next month before we start reaping some of that benefit. (See #2.) Money is a continual concern. We are constantly broke, and struggling to live paycheck to paycheck. I really thought that by the time I was 30, I would be beyond living this way.

I hate where I am in life right now. (Yeah, yeah, I know I should go back and look at that list of good things I have going for me. But right now, all I can think about is the bad.) I hate my job. While the day to day isn’t always all that all bad, I hate that everyone here is so corporate-bullshit-minded. I hate that I am expected to work overtime every day, and if I leave at 5:00 because I have nothing left to do, I get in trouble for it. I live in fear every day that I will get in trouble for something I didn’t know I was doing wrong. Living in constant fear is not good for managing stress. I hate that I work my ass off for these people, and they won’t give me a raise.

I hate that it is taking so long to get my own business started. I know that some of it is just me being slow, but even if I work like crazy on it, it’s going to take so much  time to get the actual business part of it started, and start actually bringing in an income from it.

I hate that we STILL don’t have a house. I love my rental house, but I hate that it is so expensive. I wish my husband would agree to move into a cheaper rental for now but he is fighting and fighting it. He thinks that the move itself would be so expensive that it wouldn’t be worth it.

I hate that I am not as fertile as I had hoped. I come from a huge family of procreators. You’d think I’d be pretty good at this.

I hate that there is no foreseeable way out of this funk.

That’s a lot of hate.

I need something good to happen soon.